Selecting an ESCO
It’s Time to Voice Your Choice
November 22, 2008
Binghamton, NY – It’s time again for you to select your electricity provider for the following year.
Each year NYSEG works with NY State to give you what New Yorkers most demand: Confusion Backed By The Law. Never mind that it’s intentionally devious, NYSEG
is proud to work with State agencies to make your provider choices easier each year and to give you a broad selection of options to choose from. This article is designed to assist you in that choice.
Over half of NYSEG electricity supply customers who didn’t voice their choice last year don’t know their current supply pricing option. And while that may suck for them, it’s been great for us. We thank those customers for not having degrees in Advanced Rocket Science and praise their inability to figure out what their options are. NYSEG has always firmly believed that offering you the best choice is a simple matter of confusing the heck out of you. We are proud to continue that tradition because, face it, you have no choice!
In the following sections of this notice we will tell you all you need to know, along with some handy tips, so you can Voice Your Choice with confidence.
Here is an explanation of the Electricity Price Components:
Electricity Supply Pricing Options |
Basic Service Charge (Monthly) |
Delivery Charge |
Supply Charge |
Transition Charge |
NYSEG Fixed Price Option (1) |
As much as the State will let us get away with. |
A price only we can afford |
Whatever we want to charge. |
(We don’t even know what this is.) |
NYSEG Default Supply Option (2) |
Use us since anything else is too confusing. |
You think we’re going to tell you? Oh yeah, we publish a number. Any number. |
Whatever we want to charge. |
(We don’t even know what this is.) |
ESCO Price Option (3) |
It’s going to be high – we can promise you that! | A price set so high that the ESCO’s cannot compete. |
Whatever we want to charge. |
(We don’t even know what this is.) |
Explanatory Notes:
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2) Gjfj fjd Akdjlkgjn jfjgs pijgklxb.
3) Jogj j jjsisor o4is[bhkj -4ig-hb.
Using the information in the chart above you can now rest assured you have the information you need to Voice Your Choice with confidence.
Introducing a New Customer Service for 2008!
Due to overwhelming customer requests, our staff here at NYSEG has prepared the following checklist to help you gather the information you will need in order to make the best choice that fits your budget and electrical usage at home.
In order to determine your best Choice you will need:
1) The total wattage of every light bulb in your home divided by the cosine gained from the right angle of a scalene triangle which measures 3.2 millimeters on one side,
2) The total wattage of “phantom power” used in your home (look for little green or red lights when the appliance is turned off which is sucking power and making us money while you sleep.),
3) The square root of 93.984629,
4) One ounce of the blood of a Mediterranean newt,
5) The make and model number of your refrigerator’s compressor,
6) Your checking account number,
7) The total number of walk-in closets in your home. (If “0″, enter 6 on the appropriate line anyway),
The number of dust bunnies under your bed,
9) The home run average for left handed batters for the NY Knickerbockers during their 1919 season.
Enter this information, along with your NYSEG account number, into the appropriate areas on the postal card sent to you in your Voice for Choice packets and mail it to:
Multiple Axis EU Super Computing Centre
NYSEG Computational Department
14 Rue de Confusion
Berne, Switzerland, 45935
Note: Your account will be charged the remainder of the difference acquired from the division of your household income multiplied by the mean result derived after dividing item #’s 3, 6 ,7 and 43% of 9. This is then applied to the average electrical usage from your residence for the dates April 2005 through November 2006 at the maladjusted rate. This will be your charge for this service.
You will then receive a post card weeks after the cut-off date with a random set of numbers which will give the appearance that we care but in reality will be nothing more than a random set of numbers.
With that information now in hand, here are some questions to ask an ESCO:
1) What is class=”texhtml”>(x + 1)2 = x2 + 2x +1?
2) What’s my favorite color?
3) Two trains leave at the same time, one from Los Angeles and one from Bratislava. If they are both traveling on the same track towards each other at 61mph, at what time will the steward announce dinner?
4) Will the charge for dinner appear on my NYSEG bill?
5) Wouldn’t a nationalized, not-for-profit utility system be better overall?
We won’t actually assist you in selecting an ESCO, and we won’t even tell you what an ESCO is. We’re just following NY State law. It’s up to you to make the decision and
we know that most of you will probably just toss a dart at the post card and that will be your choice. We like it that way for we win every time.
Our operators are standing by 24 hours a day to further assist you in this matter. Feel free to call us with any questions. (A $14 service charge will be applied to your bill.)
We know our customers and we know they will make the right decisions.
Bill Monrovia, Director of Customer Service
IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
If you are reading this and have not helped PlanPutnam out this year, a 36.2% charge will be applied to your NYSEG bill which will appear as if it’s a necessary fee the NYS Public Service Commission has allowed us to charge for reasons that do nothing more than transfer money from you, our customers, to the pockets of the state as a hidden tax, to our stockholders, and which further enriches the monetary fund from which we draw campaign donations for various State and Federal officials, especially those who sit on committees where bills and laws are crafted which affect our profits. We do not aim to intentionally confuse you, we’re just following the law. A donation made to PlanPutnam will ensure this charge is not applied to your bill in a way you will easily notice, but it will be applied anyway one way or another.
PlanPutnam in no way reflects the wants, or desires, nor will it share in future profits generated by NYSEG. In fact, we hate PlanPutnam and wish the bastard who runs it would move to an area served by Central Hudson and would just leave us alone.
Please refer to: Section 4, subsection 3(1)(a) Paragraph 5 of your Customer Service agreement for a full explanation.
A Confused Customer is our BEST Customer
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