Selecting an ESCO
It's Time to Voice Your Choice
November 22, 2007
Binghamton, NY - It's time again for
you to select your electricity provider for the following year.
Each year NYSEG works with NY State
to give you what New Yorkers most demand: Confusion Backed
By The Law. Never mind that it's intentionally devious, NYSEG
is proud to work with State agencies to make your provider
choices easier each year and to give you a broad selection of
options to choose from. This article is designed to assist you
in that choice.
Over half of NYSEG electricity supply
customers who didn't voice their choice last year don't know
their current supply pricing option. And while that may
suck for them, it's been great for us. We thank those customers
for not having degrees in Advanced Rocket Science and praise
their inability to figure out what their options are. NYSEG
has always firmly believed that offering you the best choice
is a simple matter of confusing the heck out of you. We are
proud to continue that tradition because, face it, you have
no choice!
In the following sections of this notice
we will tell you all you need to know, along with some handy
tips, so you can Voice Your Choice with confidence.
Here is an explanation of the Electricity
Price Components:
Electricity Supply
Pricing Options
|
Basic Service
Charge (Monthly)
|
Delivery Charge
|
Supply Charge
|
Transition Charge
|
NYSEG Fixed Price Option (1)
|
As much as the State will let us get away with.
|
A price only we can afford
|
Whatever we want to charge.
|
(We don't even know what this is.)
|
NYSEG Default Supply Option (2)
|
Use us since anything else is too confusing.
|
You think we're going to tell you? Oh yeah, we publish a
number. Any number.
|
Whatever we want to charge. |
(We don't even know what this is.) |
ESCO Price Option (3)
|
It's going to be high - we can promise you that!
|
A price set so high that the ESCO's cannot compete. |
Whatever we want to charge. |
(We don't even know what this is.) |
Explanatory Notes:
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Using the information in the chart above
you can now rest assured you have the information you need to Voice
Your Choice with confidence.
Introducing
a New Customer Service for 2007!
Due to overwhelming customer requests,
our staff here at NYSEG has prepared the following checklist
to help you gather the information you will need in order to
make the best choice that fits your budget and electrical usage
at home.
In order to determine your best Choice
you will need:
1) The total wattage of every light
bulb in your home divided by the cosine gained from the right
angle of a scalene triangle which measures 3.2 millimeters
on one side,
2) The total wattage of "phantom power" used in your home (look for little
green or red lights when the appliance is turned off which is sucking power
and making us money while you sleep.),
3) The square root of 93.984629,
4) One ounce of the blood of a Mediterranean newt,
5) The make and model number of your refrigerator's compressor,
6) Your checking account number,
7) The total number of walk-in closets in your home. (If "0", enter 6 on
the appropriate line anyway),
8) The number of dust bunnies under your bed,
9) The home run average for left handed batters for the NY Knickerbockers
during their 1919 season.
Enter this information, along with your
NYSEG account number, into the appropriate areas on the postal
card sent to you in your Voice for Choice packets and
mail it to:
Multiple Axis EU Super Computing Centre
NYSEG Computational Department
14 Rue de Confusion
Berne, Switzerland, 45935
Note: Your account will
be charged the remainder of the difference acquired from
the division of your household income multiplied by the
mean result derived after dividing item #'s 3, 6 ,7 and
43% of 9. This is then applied to the average electrical
usage from your residence for the dates April 2005 through
November 2006 at the maladjusted rate. This will be your
charge for this service.
You will then receive a post card weeks
after the cut-off date with a random set of numbers which will
give the appearance that we care but in reality will be nothing
more than a random set of numbers.
With that information now in hand, here
are some questions to ask an ESCO:
1) What is (x + 1)2 = x2 + 2x +
1?
2) What's my favorite color?
3) Two trains leave at the same time, one from Los Angeles and one from
Bratislava. If they are both traveling on the same track towards each other
at 61mph, at what time will the steward announce dinner?
4) Will the charge for dinner appear on my NYSEG bill?
5) Wouldn't a nationalized, not-for-profit utility system be better overall?
We won't actually assist you in selecting
an ESCO, and we won't even tell you what an ESCO is. We're just
following NY State law. It's up to you to make the decision and
we know that most of you will probably just toss a dart at the
post card and that will be your choice. We like it that way for
we win every time.
Our operators
are standing by 24 hours a day to further assist you in
this matter. Feel free to call us with any questions. (A
$14 service charge will be applied to your bill.)
We know our customers and we know they
will make the right decisions.
Bill Monrovia, Director of Customer
Service
IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
If you are
reading this and have not helped PlanPutnam out this year,
a 36.2% charge will be applied to your NYSEG bill which will
appear as if it's a necessary fee the NYS Public Service Commission
has allowed us to charge for reasons that do nothing more than
transfer money from you, our customers, to the pockets of the
state as a hidden tax, to our stockholders, and which further
enriches the monetary fund from which we draw campaign donations
for various State and Federal officials, especially those who
sit on committees where bills and laws are crafted which affect
our profits. We do not aim to intentionally confuse you, we're
just following the law. A donation made to PlanPutnam will
ensure this charge is not applied to your bill in a way you
will easily notice, but it will be applied anyway one way or
another.
PlanPutnam in no way reflects
the wants, or desires, nor will it share in future profits generated by NYSEG.
In fact, we hate PlanPutnam and wish the bastard
who runs it would move to an area served by Central Hudson and would just
leave us alone.
Please refer to Section 4, subsection 3(1)(a) Paragraph 5 of your
Customer Service agreement for a full explanation.
A Confused Customer is our BEST
Customer
|
